Self-psychologist

I find my acting sort of weird. I've always thought of myself as a rather social person (even though I have a history of being asocial). The thing is I find myself wanting to spend lots of time just by myself after parties and such. I think I might be getting overloads of talking to people and trying to be social and nice. This it what happened just this last weekend. Friday there was aparty with lots of people and new people and such. It was fun and all till I just had enough and went home. I might have left kind of rudely though I tried to notify everyone I was leaving and such instead of doing what I usually do and just disappearing. And then on Saturday I just wasn't feeling at all social though there would have been a party.

I can think of a number of reasons for this kind of behavior. 1. It just takes way too much energy to try to make friends and I know that I like to just go with the flow when it comes to making friends. People either will end up being friends or not - not much use working too hard at it. 2. "I don't think anyone much cares for my company" (bad self-esteem??) and so I don't care back. Well no one did call me on Saturday to ask to go to the party, which was somewhere, I don't know exactly where. 3. Other people just live too far away and I'm lazy. 4. My fear of phone conversations which I think is gone by now but might haunt me still. 5. Other people speak better German and so I just shut up when they do speak it. 6. I like reading more than hanging out with people drinking?? (Oh I just finished my book and I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll panic. No book to read and no episodes of 4400.)

But the point is I don't think I've ever worked this hard on trying to make friends. It's silly that's what it is. Well I am kind of getting bored of the drinking too. So what is there to do? Maybe I just don't need that much socialising having lived alone for the past year and before that too. Though I won't give up yet. I'll go home and eat something and then it should be off to the movies unless I'm stood up. (Has been known to happen here) I didn't have lunch because it rained so I'm starving just having eaten chips. I hope we'll have dinner before the movie. Gotta make calls.