Little bit of a mess

During the weekend I got all into this doctorate studies thing and sort of got oriented to what it means and even thought about what I would like to look into and such. The only bad thing I thought of was not being able to go to tons of job interviews and thus get some self-confidence with that and thus grow up a bit. I guess that sort of growing up can wait or I can just apply for jobs for the "fun" of it. Well but that's not the mess the title is hinting at.

So as the thing went fast and such and the professor who had the place was not one of the professors that's guiding me with my work here there was apparently a conflict of interests and that's the mess. So the funding is for me, no problem there, but now I sort of have to choose which professor I want to do the studies under. And that's no easy thing. Partly because I sort of got oriented for the one professor already. And partly because as there is this mess with the conflict of interests I feel pressured to "do the right thing" and thus dissolve the bad air caused by the situation. Not that any of it is my fault so I really shouldn't care. Well if I want to be sort of full of myself I may think that "they all want me". Though why would they since the really don't know me. Apparently I was not the only applicant either and thus me getting the money means I was the best. I guess it was my grades, not that I think they are anything special.

It's really not a bad situation but it feels like it since I'm in the middle. It's like I'm used to standing in right-field where no-one ever hits the ball and all the sudden I'm the shortstop. (Yes this is a softball metaphor or some other figure of speech which I can use since I actually always played right-field in softball.) No way to just disappear from the center of the field. Oh I like to just step off to the left from some situations and turn a blind eye to people arguing.

It fells like this mess is all about money or academic interests with like people getting their names in journals and such. I don't really care about that aspect of it. I mean I like to have money and getting my name in an article in a scientific journal I think is cool but I don't really care about that. I'd like to actually learn things I am interested in if I am going to study more and have someone to help me with that in a manner that I think would benefit me in building my character at the same time.

And well the thing that bothers me about the situation is that apparently the other professor has like "first bids" on me since I'm doing my work for them now. I mean, really. Fight the system. "There ain't no-one can own me." "I decide who lives and dies." Ok so I should just let it mellow for a while. I don't think of myself as a diplomat.

Otherwise all good. Planning (well ok I'm just going along) a trip to Fontainebleau in France for the weekend. Outside climbing. Exciting.